Pleeeeease tell me you were old enough to experience the phenomenon that was AOL chat! Otherwise, this title probably makes no sense at all.

I really hope I got the format right. It’s only been 25 years or so since I logged in.

And the screen names!!! Gahhh. We were told for internet safety reasons, we shouldn’t use any parts of our names… thank god. However, k24princess was totally luring creeps to meet her at the mall and then never showing up. Just to waste their time HAHAHA Really, my friends and I created the premise of “To Catch a Predator”. Luckily, I was never sent pictures or asked anything gross. I was a lucky one.

I might have told this one before, but when my family moved to Utah I was 14 and it was a complete culture shock. To go from my little Orange County bubble to rural Southern Utah felt like torture. I sat in my bedroom for the first month and ran up a $1000 phone bill (dial up internet) because I was on AOL talking to my friends from home as much as I could.

I hated it. I made friends in the neighborhood pretty quickly but there was soooo much conversation around “The Church” (the LDS church of course). At the time I was attending non-denominational Christian church and felt like I was always answering questions about what I believed and being compared and asked to consider joining their church.

After a while, friends stopped asking. I’ve never been one do to something just because everyone else was doing it. I do things on my terms. In my own weird unconventional way.

Anyway. Where am I even going with this. Transformation!

It wasn’t until a conversation I had with my best friend recently that I really thought about myself in this way, but the way she described it really got me thinking… I have reinvented myself over and over and over through my life. She sees it as something admirable, strong. I have mostly felt like I just don’t belong in any certain space, so I create my own. I have been many versions of me. k24princess@aol was silly and always singing and dancing and swimming. sassekass@hotmail moved across an ocean for love and was truly just winging it. kassy.norton@gmail found a job she really loves and still does. kassywinslow@gmail created a family of her own.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lives. The edition of me that I am now, I’m not really sure what to call her yet. I’m still learning and creating her. Every design served her purpose, learned, transformed, leaned a little more into her soul.

I’m so proud of where I am now. I couldn’t have done it without all the other me’s.

Maybe this version is single mom me. But even that doesn’t feel right. I don’t know that I’ll ever not be “single” mom me.

Let’s pivot. Being a mom that is single is damn hard. I had no clue until I lived it. Don’t get me wrong, married mom isn’t easy. BUT this version can be such a mind game. I’m so lucky to have the support that I have. Family to lean on. Friends to talk things through with. But at the end of the day, it’s just me and two angel faces. I revel in it. I soak it all in. We talk about everything together. After a botched tooth fairy incident last week with little sister, Madds admitted to me that he knows I’m Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the Elf on the Shelf, and that monsters aren’t real. He also said he wouldn’t tell his sister and would actually help her believe as long as possible. He came in clutch with the tooth fairy incident. He totally had my back.

If I could fill every single mom’s cup just a little I would. Or give her more spoons, I would. I talk with my kids about the spoon theory often. The idea that we all wake up with a certain amount of spoons every morning. Not everyone starts their day with the same number and not everyone uses the same amount on a given task. Sometimes it takes me 2 spoons to get out of bed. Sometimes it takes me 1 spoon to get out of bed and get ready. Every day is different and there’s no right or wrong about it. Sometimes by the time I make dinner and clean up, I’m out of spoons. I don’t have the energy for anything but bed time. Other times we are playing games and getting ice cream at 10pm.

It’s very important to me that I raise mindful kids. Kids who understand that not everyone runs on the same battery. On the days I’ve spent my spoons, I can just look at them and say… I’m out of spoons guys, I need you to brush your teeth, shower, xyz, without me asking again. And… so far so good. I’ll keep saying it, I’m incredibly lucky.

I don’t really talk about this on here, partly because I change my mind about it every few months. This first part, I am pretty dead set on but the second half I’m not sure. So. I don’t think I ever want to get married again. I’m like pretty sure about that. The part I’m unsure about is if I want to look for companionship for the long term.

Also, can we side bar real quick… Just because I’m a single mom who isn’t seen out with men, doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian. HAHA. I feel like that’s a common gossip about moms that are single… if you’re not in a relationship with a man, you must be a lesbian. Let me set the record straight, hahahaha see what I did there… no women for me.

Back to my point. I’m learning to be okay with being alone. Sometimes it’s really sad and I cry about it in the shower when no one is here because nothing is more lonely than when my kids are gone… buuuuut I’m learning. Man, I really have to say a sad thing every time I write. Hah! I have a really hard time with the idea of my children meeting a man that I am bringing into my life. I am so weird about it. I know it has to do with the heartache they’ve had to endure in their little lives and my idea of keeping them safe from all of that as much as I can. They are also fiercely protective of their momma and I can see them just ripping a grown man to shreds. But they are also really cool and get along with adults and what if they liked someone I let them meet and it didn’t work. I can handle heart break, I can’t put them through it though. Again, why I am so weird about it.

The tiniest part of me wants someone to hold my hand in public so I don’t bump into things. Someone I get to have inside jokes with. Someone to cheer my kids on with. Someone I get to wake up to. To be someone’s priority. Damn it! I’m crying. But this is my real life. These are my real feelings and how can I normalize mental health without normalizing mine. All of the thoughts and feelings on this page are normal. This experience isn’t unique to me. Lots of you have been or will be in these spots. It’s okay to feel these things.

Writing about normalizing grief is easy. A death happened and now we talk about what encompasses that. I know death now. I’ve encountered the worst of it.

Writing about grief and how I cope, easy.

Writing about the steps I’ve taken to feel mentally whole, easy. The words move through my fingertips so fast.

Writing about love, easy. It’s my favorite topic. It’s what keeps me going. It’s what I live for.

Writing about romantic love or partnership, hard. I think it’s fair to say that I’ve been through it. And through all my learning, growing, healing, I know what I deserve. I know where the bar is AND that the bar moves up as I move up in my journey. It’s scary to think of my kids leaving my house someday and it’s just me. Because then what. Welp. There is it. That’s the scary part for me and now you know. A part of me wants to wait until they are adults before I explore love for me. Any single momma will tell you, the lonely is the hardest part. The lonely feels like this little ache in your heart and this sharp bite of isolation. I find things to fill my time when they are gone but I swear to you a lonely weekend feels like a month. Then there is this other side too, where I feel guilty about bringing anyone into my life that wasn’t there when Beck was alive. Logically, I know that’s silly, I can’t just press pause on everything. I feel like, no one can really know me if they don’t know my family or my friends or my kids, all of them. That’s quite the crossroads to be at. This is the one thing I don’t have the answers for and I’m learning to navigate as I move along. There’s no amount of reading books or listening to advice that will help either. That’s probably the stubborn in me, but I truly feel like I have to feel this part out. Listen to my intuition. Go where she tells me to go. There is a lesson in lonely. Maybe this version of me is, lonely mama. But as I’ve always done, I will reinvent, and I will live life to the fullest and love to the fullest while I do.

Love you, mean it.