Seemed fitting to have my first post be centered around my front door and I don’t mean that cryptically. Just like my mat says, “so happy you’re here”. Cringe. I know I know. Not the mat, the correlation.

We all understand that social media is a highlight reel of our favorite parts. Smiles, milestones, celebrations but that we are all living with ugly. No matter how curated our posts or houses look, we’re all the same, with ugly parts we never want anyone to see, littered with shame, and guilt.

You know that.

I know that.

Occasionally we see posts of tears, crying in the car on a hard day. It’s vulnerable and brave. I could show you what my face looks like in those moments too, but that’s not me. However, I do give myself permission to put words to some of the ugly. Maybe it looks like your ugly too.

This is my front porch.

I haven’t decorated for any holidays (outside of having a Christmas tree up) for the past 2 years. The Christmas before last my family had to help me get my tree up for the littles. I was too depressed. I haven’t felt festive. Losing a child will do that to you. There’s probably some reason you’ve skipped that part too. Maybe it’s the same as mine. Or maybe you haven’t and hopefully never will. But as a human living an intentional life, something sparkled in me to do this. I don’t want to give full credit to the Barbie movie, because it really was so good but I certainly let the little Kass in me grab all the pink and throw it on my steps. It was fun. I gave myself permission to dress things up. Although I lost my sh*t for 7 minutes while transferring a 3×3 vinyl disco ball onto the sign. Yes, it’s a Barbie movie quote.

I digress. I hate October. I’m going to give myself that. I really hate October 22nd. I hate watching my babies cry over their brother in heaven. It’s one thing for me to grieve, it’s another to watch tiny little hearts do it. There it is! The tears. They roll hot down my cheeks. See. The ugly. I’m not always sad and depressy but when I am, I will continue to honor my feelings. Holding space for my emotions and then remembering that’s exactly what they are. Feelings that fluctuate. Honoring them doesn’t take away from my core being. Letting them rest doesn’t either. The resilient, smart, brave person that I am is always there. Sometimes watching, sometimes in action. So. That’s today. Welcome in.