Exhale.

I. feel. so. good. It’s hard to describe. I’ve shared over and over that I’ve been putting in the work on my menty health. I sound like a broken record, I know.

I’m not crazy. I’m not delusional. I haven’t made any of it up. I’m not in trouble. I’m not broken.

In fact, I want to give you a hug in hopes that some of this will rub off hah!

All of those feelings have kind of melted away. I’m okay. I. Am. Okay. I am creating the life I want. I’ve created safe spaces. I am a safe space. I have unwavering support and love surrounding me. I have intentionally brought people filled with love and light into my inner circle. The universe/god/source/creator wants me to have the best of it all. Even through these rolling happy tears.

I’ve had some extremely profound ketamine sessions in the last couple weeks. Life changing. I feel strong. I feel brave. I feel like myself. I know I’ve been those things. But it’s so much different when you’re not in fight/flight/fawn/freeze mode. It’s so different to feel emotionally regulated AND feel like a strong person. Not because I HAVE to be. I just am. It’s always been there; I’ve just had to do the work to brush the dirt and mud off of it. I have never felt so validated in my adult life. Vindicated. Self-assured.

The work is hard you guys. But it’s incredible. I have happy cried more in the past few weeks than I have in my entire life. I am so lucky lucky lucky.

I know I have a weird brain. Absolutely neurodivergent. I remember having a chat with my grandpa about it when I was in my 20s and he said it was something love about myself, to treasure. One of my brothers-in-law says it all the time, it’s a superpower. It’s felt more exhausting than something to celebrate. After having these profound revelations recently, I can see myself like this… I think of a clear glass replica of me. But it’s been dropped on a tile floor. The edges of the glass shards have been dipped in gold and reassembled. It’s whole, but reinforced. Not quite the same as before. Better than before.

Things are always going to work out. I feel like a fortune cookie right now. Sorry, not sorry! Everything just feels so light and bright when you’ve come out of the dark.

And just like every other post I’ve made, I’m not jaded… there will be more hard times but it’s going to be okay. It’s not rainbows, sunshine, and cotton candy. Ew to toxic positivity. We feel. We deal. We heal. Over every bump. Through any turbulence.

I’ve got to describe my last session. I had 2 sessions before this last one where I got to spend time with Beck. I’ll post about those another time. Those were both devastating but also lovely sessions. The dichotomy is not lost on me. I had to take a week off of ketamine, so that I could process it all. It was a lot.

But the most recent one I had took me through lots of existential questions and answers. That wasn’t even the profound part. My intention going into it was to help the part of me that feels broken after losing my eyesight. The part that feels claustrophobic sometimes and leads to panic attacks. The part that makes me angry. The part that wished I would have been given a choice at the very beginning… have full vision or be able to breathe clearly. I’d pick my vision every time. A lifetime of stuffy noses and sinus infections pale in comparison to having zero peripheral on one side and knocking into things and developing a fear of crowds and running and having terrible depth perception. I could go on and on. On my Ketamine journey to heal that part I kept falling into the nothingness. Searching for how to fix me and suddenly I rounded a corner and I walked into a bright room, my favorite women were there. My grandma, my sisters, my best friends, I was in their hands. Being held by them. Like I was weightless. I saw their faces. I felt their souls full of love for me. You know that feeling you feel when you are so grateful to be a sister, to be a mother… that’s what I was feeling. Intense love. Sparkly. Grateful. My most authentic self. Amazing. So much love. I was carried by them for a long time. I was in total awe and then their hands passed me to two of my other favorite people, I was safe. I immediately felt safe. Secure. They carried me like I was weightless too. I wasn’t a burden. They were happy to hold me up. I could smell them. I could feel their hands. I could feel their inner strength. After I came out of my journey and I got in my sister’s car, I held her hand and cried and cried and cried. So thankful for her. I texted most of the people that showed up for me on that journey. I felt overwhelmingly grateful. I still feel it.

The work is hard but the work is rewarding. Worth the tears. Worth all the energy expended. But I am worth it.

Love you, say it back.