About to close some very big chapters in the next month or so.

Finally.

It’s emotional and scary and exciting all together.

I thought I would be flooded with relief. Maybe once I cross the threshold I will. But for now, it feels like walking into the unknown.

All the secret battles hidden in the corners are going to finally be put to rest. Fears I’ve been holding onto, deleted. Ties to trauma, cut. I’ve never been here before.

I ran a half marathon years ago. In a post-partum body. The first 11 miles were relatively easy. I was making better time than I had anticipated. I didn’t even train that hard.

Mind over matter.

I kept rhythm to the soundtrack of Hamilton (and some Lil Wayne at the start). The last 2.1, my mind felt the extra physical weight I was carrying. I slowed my pace to a walk and immediately regretted it. My legs felt like Jello. All the energy chews in my belt bag couldn’t save me. Every step felt heavier and heavier. I felt like I was failing. I breezed through that run until my mind shifted. I tried to pick my pace back up but my body wouldn’t let me. It was reminding me that I hadn’t trained hard enough. Now, matter over mind. It killed my time. Something I was feeling so good about, now felt like failure. I had nothing to prove to anyone. There was no time I was shooting for. Just to finish the race and I did. But I was really hard on myself. I was excited to see the finish line but frustrated with the time I crossed at. After my best friend finished, she back tracked a half mile or so to finish it with me. I choked back tears as we headed to the grass past the finish line to eat a banana and a Gatorade. I couldn’t stand up. I didn’t let anyone know how dead my legs were. I sat there like I was relaxing, far longer than I wanted. When I finally got up, my legs shook all of the way to the car. I drove straight to watch my son play football and then met back up with my friends to spread out across couches and recliners to take a well-deserved nap. A nap I’ll never forget. I woke up feeling accomplished, remembering where I was as I sang “Angelicaaaaa, Elizaaaa, and Peggy”.

I’m living with Jello legs right now. Metaphorically of course. So close to the finish line, to the endings of chapters, endings of BOOKS, and it stings a bit. Like I’m holding my breath to close the cover and put it on a shelf. Leave it there. These fights, these battles are almost over. I wish I could erase the pain it caused, but I’m simultaneously grateful for the lessons and strength I’ve gained. What kind of happy go lucky bullshit is that. Just being me I guess. The people that it brought into my life, the people I grew closer to. The ones who showed up at the right times with the right words, enough for me to push through.

But. It’s been hell. Like a walking talking living breathing devil watching my every move. Nights spent crying on my closet floor. Screaming in my kitchen. Depressed, angry, deep dark feelings I had never felt before. It’s confusing. I’m creating a life that I love and wouldn’t trade for anything, all while this secret hell has been burning in the background. That doesn’t feel normal. I don’t feel normal. I’m not actually normal. But I’d like some normalcy. I don’t want to live with the reminder of doom. It’s almost like, as I get closer to these dark endings I’m reminded that they are there. Still there. It’s gotten old.

I’ve really had to take a step back these last couple weeks and really really remind myself to take care of me. That booking the yoga class keeps me grounded. Filling my house with flowers brings me joy. Watering the tomato plants isn’t about the tomatoes. It’s about watering me. Longer hugs. Putting the darkness in a container until it’s run it’s course.

I’m not sure what kind of self care and coping I’ll need after those chapters are over. I can’t think past tomorrow. However, I am brave and ready. This all feels a bit cryptic. Details I can’t really speak on until they are legally finished. But if you know, you know. Tonight, I’m going to let some of this out in tears and then hold on tight to my favorite human in the world.