If you are or have ever been a single mom… you’ve done the most.

The hardest.

These days, it’s hard for me to call myself a single mom, because I have a partner now. And while we still are splitting our time a bit, he’s always here for me and my beautiful babies. In every way. In ways I didn’t know partners could be. I am so lucky. I could talk about him for days.

So as I embrace the new, I have been reflecting on what the past few years of single momming has been for me.

I remember one of my Aunts single momming my cousins as I grew up and I thought it was so strange… She did it all. She gave them all of herself in way that was very interesting to me. She was bold. She was independent.

Those traits immediately flowed through me as I’ve done it all. Created a new love language with my children. A relationship with roots so deep, nothing can sway us. I pulled out a boldness in me that I didn’t know existed. My babies gave me confidence. Pouring into them, came back to me 10 fold. It always will. I am crying as I sit thinking how there’s no possible way that anyone could feel so aligned with their children on a soul level as I do. But there are. There are lots of us. Yet it’s unique to each one.

As hard as it’s been, it’s shaped me into a better version of me. I found myself because of them. I see why self care is so important. I’m teaching them the same. To pour back into yourself. Do the things that make your heart happy, the thing that gives you peace, no matter how quirky. They are only 9 & 12 but are learning that alone time to recharge is just as important as anything else they do. I hope they are proud of me. I hope one day they see it all and appreciate the sacrifices it took to keep their worlds as normal as they were before.

I haven’t really told anyone this, besides my siblings and besties, because I had been so embarrassed by it. But I have had to make a lot of sacrifices to financially support my babies. I don’t think enough of us talk about it. Particularly when you’re not receiving child support and you’ve suddenly (within 1 week of seperation) lost 2/3 of what you raise your kids on. It can feel like failure when you are selling things from around your home to pay the power bill. Or selling plasma so that there are groceries. I’m in a much better spot now. But it was bleak for a long time. Constant anxiety. Working from when I woke up to when I went to bed and still having times where I went 5 months without a commission check. Stretching dollars as thin as possible. It felt like my world blew up and then blew up again. It still feels kind of shameful. But I did it for them. To pay all the dance fees, even if they were late. All of the tournament fees. And as far as they were concerned, sometimes mom had to have a “no spend” month every once in a while, so I could “save”. Never ever would I have thought that would have been my life. I am responsible. I have a great work ethic. I know how to budget and save. I’m good with money. I have great credit! But you can’t get blood from a turnip.

Another one of those dark chapters to close. That one feels really good though.

I have put 60 thousand miles on my car in the last few years. Between work and getting my little passengers everywhere they need to go. Running to the school to bring an ibuprofen, all of the practices, games, performances, playdates, all. of. it.

Mom guilt. Decision fatigue. Feeling left out when everyone around me is married. Feeling angry when someone talks about how long they’ve been married. Walking around my house every night double checking all the windows and doors to make sure they are locked. Some windows and doors I only touch during my nightly rounds. Of course they are locked. My mind wandering through break in scenarios and what I would do, leaving baseball bats by all the entrances. Hiding a gun, even though I was sure I’d just throw it at an intruder’s head if I were ever in that position.

BUT. But then comes the slumber parties with mom. Sleeping in between tiny snores and kicks most nights. That feels safe. That feels peaceful. Finding series on Netflix we all watch together like clockwork. Nature shows before bed. Doing special meditations when we were all feeling the thickness of the air. Taking turns repeating affirmations to each other in the mornings. Having breakfast for dinner.

Over a year ago I shouted to the universe that it’s okay that I’m alone. I’m doing it. I have found peace in myself. In my surroundings. I didn’t need a partner and that was okay. I also whispered to the universe that if it felt inclined to send me someone aligned with myself, that would be okay.

And then the universe delivered.

On another note, in my last post I talked about all of these dark endings coming. Welp. One of those came today. I didn’t have a for sure date, so I was caught a little off guard. And you know. I’m okay. I feel relieved. A thousand pound weight lifted off my chest. And now because that one is closed, there’s another to close in the next week. I’m anticipating another thousand pounds gone.

Forward motion. Except for tonight. I’m going to sit on my patio and stare at the red hills.