Before I get too far into this blog, I’d like to talk about a few things. Not all of my posts will be about grief. But I will use the word a lot. With that being said, a lot of menty health tools that help me, aren’t just for grief. I would consider myself to have high functioning anxiety- typical oldest daughter stuff! I’m pretty good at being “strong” (me rolling my eyes at me) or masking it for the most part (something I’m working on not doing).

However, I do feel like it’s important to talk about what grief even is.

For 35 years I really thought grief was what happens after you lose a loved one. But it is so much more. It’s definitely not talked about enough in the context of death, which is so weird to me now. Death is a part of life. That’s that. While I do think there are ways to broach the subject that are better than others, let’s make it normal to talk about. Mkay?

This post/blog could potentially be triggering for you, as grief is an umbrella for many types of loss.

Also, I will only share MY experiences.

<< Let’s rewind real quick…. I am very open about therapy and my journey with it. I have been in and out of therapy my whole life. Growing up, if I couldn’t articulate my big feelings or knew where they were coming from, my mom would get me into therapy. Luckily, that framed my mindset around it and I’ve always been open to going. I don’t think it’s something you always have to be in, but sometimes to get through the big things, you’ve got to try something different. I know there are still many people that don’t think it works or just aren’t willing to give it a try. Talk therapy is what we all traditionally think of, but really there are lots of others…. that can be a post in itself. Should we try to slash the shame about getting help too? Hah! Let’s work on it.

Okay, back to right now. Grief is not just the death of:

children

parents

family

friends

pets

We also grieve these too:

when we have a strained relationship/friendship

completely losing relationships with people we cared deeply for

losing a job

health issues

I think we can all cross at least one of those off of our grief lists. It took me a long time to allow myself to feel like my feelings were valid around all of the above.

My feelings are always valid. YOUR FEELINGS ARE ALWAYS VALID

I lost one of my very best friends in 2016. We got to have each other for 12 years. I was sad and confused and grieving that I never get to hug her again. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me when I got the news. Navigating this loss taught me a very big lesson…. the 5 stages of grief are garbage. That’s a hill I’m willing to die on. You don’t cross the first 4 off the list, get to acceptance and then are good. That’s not real life. Let’s please retire that model and please never bring it up to someone grieving. I also felt like because I wasn’t related by blood or something, that I needed to hold some of my feels back.

Two years later my closest girlfriend lost her brother. He was a big brother to me for 15 years. He was kind of a big deal. He’d tell you. I could talk to him about anything and he’d give me real big brother advice. I learned another really big lesson about grief because of him. I was able to talk with one of his cousins during the early days and really just leaned on each other. This is when I learned that just because I wasn’t his actual family, my feelings were absolutely valid. This grief was just as real as the others I’d experience, and I was allowed to be sad and upset and confused.

Health issues? This is the one I didn’t put together until I became completely blind in my left eye over a year ago. The loss of sight. Sometimes I’ll walk around a corner and become hyper aware of it and will start to panic, feeling claustrophobic. It’s weird to be so healthy and then you’re not. Greiving the loss of sight, the loss of a perfectly good eye for 36 years. Not a victim, not a pity party, but I do allow myself to have moments with my feelings about it. Have an autoimmune disease, or cancer, or anything that makes you want to scream “why won’t my body just work right!”…. we grieve those too.

Ever have a falling out with a friend? With a family member? A break-up? A divorce? Lots of grieving happens around the loss of those relationships too. It’s valid. When people talk about heart break it truly feels the same in our body as when one of our loved ones die. At least it has for me. When I zoom out, I can see all of the same symptoms… brain fog, feeling of doom, anxiety, panic… all part of grieving.

So. What. Well… your feelings are valid. Let yourself feel them. Don’t live there but let them visit (you’ll hear me say that about a million more times). Grief comes in many different forms at different times in our lives. Learn about it. Remember that we’re all doing it. Don’t be afraid to reach out. In the same breath, don’t be afraid to let others give you their hand, ear, a blanket, whatever it is. Most people are good, most of the time.