I’m sinking further down the rabbit hole

Such a good song. I’ll link below.

You’re in for a treat! I’m going to post a couple times this week about my latest journey’s. I have been so emotionally tapped I haven’t been able to sit down and write like I’ve wanted. I’ve had lots to process and have needed to rest because of it.

Okay, so this new therapy journey has really got me in my feels. I guess I should have explained I’ll get a number of these sessions. The first couple weeks, I go twice a week and then once a week for a bit. And possibly once monthly. Kind of just depends on if I make the progress I’m looking to make.

Every session is different. So many factors contribute to how deeply you journey. What you ate or how you slept can affect it.

Now, I’ve completed 5 sessions. (Session 4 & 5 I’ll put in a post later this week. They involve me working around Beckem’s life and they are profound.)

2nd Session Recap

They up my dosage a little bit every time. But I actually didn’t feel like my journey was as deep for as long as the first one. My intention was very clear. Cutting energetic cords that no longer serve me. I know that can sound a little woo-woo. BUT I think about this… what are we made of? Matter? What is matter? When you get on the most basic level of the elements that make us up, they all possess energy. We are energy. Sometimes we take on energy that isn’t ours and doesn’t fill our cup. We can choose to release those ties. This can be relationships, triggers, bad habits anything that keeps you from being you.

I mentioned in my last post that my secondary intention is always to connect to my spiritual side and the universe/god decided that would be my focus once the medicine kicked in today. So. I went with it. Remember… eye mask, dark room, playlist. My playlist enveloped me again. This time there was more piano. I became the notes. Now, I don’t play piano but it is engrained in every fiber of my being. My paternal grandparents were such a huge part of my life and they always had a piano. My dad and uncle are very musical, playing multiple instruments. I spent lotsssss of time sitting at that piano putting notes together, teaching myself simple chords. Feeling the keys with my fingers and the keys hit the chords with my heart. It always felt magical. That’s me in the pic above, doing what I had done a thousand times. So. Content. Happy. Focused. Peaceful. I knew this picture was in an album somewhere and when I found it, I was so excited to see that the painting above that piano (that my great grandpa painted) is currently hung in my dining room. I hadn’t realized until that moment that I’d studied it for years. Probably why it’s mine now. There are no coincidences.

It almost seems unfair how perfect my childhood was. I guess that’s why we had to swing out real wide these last few years. Even things out.

Okay, so when my playlist this time was primarily piano, I immediately went there. To the picture above. I could smell my grandparents house. I was looking into that exact room from that angle. Just zoomed out much farther. I could see the piano, the bench upholstered in the same fabric my grandma had her favorite chair upholstered in. I could see the notes in the shadows of my head. Feel the notes charging through my cells. And then, there she was. My grandma’s spirit in light form. Smiling at me.

Side bar- It’s almost been 2 weeks, yet I’m writing this through tears because it was her. If ever there was a favorite smile on this earth, hers was mine. A smile full of love. I see myself in her smile. I am so lucky to have her smile. Anyone that knew her would tell you she was an angel on this earth.

She stood there next to me acknowledging the struggle but more importantly letting me know it’s okay to let go of the struggle. As I felt a deep sense of gratitude the chords shifted and there he was. Everyone’s best friend, my grandpa with his hands on my grandma’s shoulders peeking out behind her to give me his biggest smile. Beaming at me.

OMG I have to pause and tell another story. It just hit me now. He, was smiling at me and I realized, thank the lord he had his teeth in HAHA When he died, he had been put on hospice at my parents house. My dad called me that morning and said he had just passed. At the time, I lived a block away, so I was there in 60 seconds, to say my goodbyes and see what we needed to do next. I am certain my grandpa has told everyone on the other side, this story. He’d be okay with me sharing here. My dad had just yelled down the hall that he was making my grandpa his morning coffee. When he went to bring it to him, my grandpa had managed to take his clothes off (which he wasn’t able to do for weeks) and got himself sitting up on the couch. My entire life, he had told me he dreamed of joining a nudist colony, but my grandma was too modest. It’s only appropriate he go out the way he came into this world. Nakey. My dad was confused. He was still warm. He must have just missed his last breath by seconds. My dad had pants on him (thankfully!) before I got there. My dad was understandably shaken. While we knew he didn’t have a whole lot of time left, this was his best friend. I stood with my dad talking about whether we should lay him down, put a shirt on him, get him a blanket. Things that don’t really matter but the silence was too quiet. So him and I did what we do best, talk. My dad started pacing and suggested we put his teeth in. I’ll say this… the dead do not need their dentures. I gently told my dad to set them back on the side table. Now I know for certain. He didn’t need those teeth.

As my grandpa is just absolutely beaming with light at me, he is telling me how proud he is and that he brags about me on the other side now. I couldn’t tell in that moment if I had actual tears streaming down my face until I was done and my eye mask was soaked and I wiped them away. So many tears. Tears of happiness. Relief. Pure joy, to feel their energy’s. I felt myself come into my body, begging my mind to let me stay there a little longer. It felt short, but the permission they gave me to feel happy was monumental. I am creating my reality. I don’t have to live in fight/flight/freeze/fawn. I can live in my creative energy. It’s where I feel most alive. Most fulfilled. Stringing words together makes me happy. It makes me feel like sunshine. And I just gave myself permission to let it make me feel this happy. My writing isn’t just something silly I’m doing on the side. It’s something I GET to pour myself into.

3rd sesh recap

This is where I do some real work.

When I describe out loud how things look to me in a journey, I always feel slightly crazy. It’s kind of like how when you tell someone about a dream, words just can’t do it justice.

Let’s get into it! I drop into this session quicker than before. My music consumes me again. It’s one of my favorite things. Watching notes make shadows against a twilight sky. Falling then flying at different speeds and directions. Curious to answer all of life’s questions. I feel larger than life. I feel like I’ve traveled into another dimension. A place where nothing on earth really matters. We’re just souls living a human experience. Answers to questions I haven’t asked yet are revealing themselves. There is something so much bigger than I can dream, in store for me. I don’t ruminate on it. I just keep listening for all the answers I can hear echoing off of everything around me. In one corner the sound bounces toward me with words of validation of how I see the world. We’re supposed to be doing all of this, everything we do, out of love. I can feel the love in my soul, pouring over the sides.

And then there it is. The cord cutting I’ve been manifesting. It’s time to let go of what doesn’t serve me. It appears in front of my face. In my favorite form. Not the horrible version that’s broken me over and over. But the version I have clung to for far too long. It’s lovely, smells nice, but isn’t real. It’s what I’ve created to hide the ugly. As I look it over, it starts to fade. I’m ready. I’m glad it’s this version I’m disconnecting from. It starts to get pixel-y. Like in an 80’s movie, slowly becoming less and less there. I look down and realize I’m holding dozens and dozens of long-stemmed beautiful flowers. As this apparition disappears completely, I open my arms and let the flowers fly into its spot. I am not broken. I also have this realization that although I focus so much on the love I pour into my life, I am also a vessel who can receive love as well. It was such a warm and safe feeling.

I look around me and see flowers blooming out of no where. Every color and type you can think of.

In my real life, flowers are always in my home. I feel like I’ve talked about this before. People who don’t like getting flowers “because they just die” don’t understand flowers. Also, I can make a bouquet on my countertop last 3 weeks 😉 One of my girlfriends has the cutest flower shop in northern Utah that I daydream about.

So, there are flowers all around me. I suddenly have another armful of them. I look down and can see thick wires and cords. It’s my brain. I’m watching synapses. Electricity moving through the cords to other spots, lighting up along the way. I also notice the broken cords. There’s more work to be done. I begin laying flowers over all of the broken parts. I’m watching my mind mend. While beautiful flowers grow where things were damaged and hurt. I have never felt so alive. Laying flowers at the sight of any fracture. Flowers are blooming on the walls around me and ground way way beneath me. I feel at peace.

Slowly I’m moving with my music again and I’m coming back into my body. I got up and couldn’t stop talking. I wanted to tell anyone that would listen what I had just seen. I’m replaying it over and over again, hoping to cement this new memory into my long-term storage. I never want to forget what I saw and how I felt. I won’t. I can’t. It was so much more than I ever could have dreamed. I asked my sister if I was yelling, I felt like I was yelling. I wasn’t. I am so deeply thankful to have this medicine. I still have many sessions to go. But it’s already changing my life. It’s incredible. Don’t get me wrong. It’s tiring and I will continue to draw from this experience in real life, when I feel like I need to redirect back toward it. But it is so worth it.