Feels like the longest month.

It only seems right to take this long month and keep writing about Beck. He is so heavy on my heart. I think about him all day, every day.

I can hear his voice in my head and I feel so extremely grateful to have that to draw on whenever I want.

This isn’t something I’ve shared with people outside of my circle, but I also know this isn’t something only I do. In fact, I know it’s something that many who have lost loved ones, at least think about trying and something sometimes we actively seek out and do.

I have seen a medium 3 times. All of them, after Beck’s passing. I’ve always believed in the existence of our souls after we are expire. Although, since losing him, I’ve shifted the way I believe that works and for that, I feel closer to our creator than I ever have. But I won’t ever subscribe to organized religion. To me, that takes me farther from omniscient love. And to me, that is what it’s all about. Our capacity and ability to do all things from a place of love, leaving love in our wake. It’s exponential. It’s limitless.

The limit does not exist.

I worry some people may think that sounds like a fairytale or not reality, but it’s real. To me. That’s what I believe above all else.

Back to my experience with mediumship… First and foremost, I’ve also always been a believer. Even though, after a reading I’m always pulling out examples of things no one could have possibly known. Like I’m trying to convince myself that the sky is blue. It’s the chronic imposter syndrome. As a child I felt weird because I possessed my own gifts. Gifts that felt sacred but also felt like I would freak people out about if I were to talk about them. And part of me wasn’t sure what it was. It really wasn’t until I had my first baby that I pulled that part of me back out. Something about becoming a mother, naturally made these gifts stronger. I also witnessed my babies moving the veil. That’s a whole other story.

It’s not for everyone and that’s okay.

I don’t know if I’ve told this story on here before. All of my friends and family know though. It is now a core memory that I will never forget.

Shortly after Beckem passed, I was home alone. Kids had gone back to school and my ex-husband had gone back to work. I was in my bathroom curling my hair. Both of my dogs laying on my bedroom floor, facing the bathroom. They always keep an eye on me. Lola and Pearl. They are the goodest girls.

Side story- Lola is my fat English lab. She follows me everywhere around the house. The vet explained her as being protective of me, I’m her person. She’s the sweetest soul and wouldn’t hurt a fly… it took 8 years for her to finally eat an ice cube, I think she was scared of hurting it. She has always reminded me of Nana from Peter Pan. She takes turns sleeping in the kids’ rooms. She will give me uninterrupted eye contact for minutes, it’s like she’s reading my soul. Beckem picked her out. He had narrowed our search down to 2 pups, practically identical. He spent time giving each snuggles and she was the lucky one. We named her together. Lola was one of the first names that got thrown out and he was stuck on it. No changing his mind. He was 8 years old. I’ll never forget how excited he was when we finally got to take her home. At bed time she’d check on each kiddo and they’d fight about where she slept. Beck always won. She’d get under the covers with him. One of my favorite things. She spent time with him at the cabin property, fishing trips, camping.

Lola got a sister when we surprised the kids one weekend up in Heber for a baseball tournament in 2020. We knew they wanted a 2nd dog. After a weekend full of games, we told the kids we were gonna take a scenic drive. It was a couple hours from where we were playing baseball. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and half way through our drive. I handed Beck a bag and told him to give 1 thing in the bag to his brother and 1 to his sister and to keep the rest. A bag full of dog toys, a leash, a collar with a tag. They were so happy. They took turns holding her on our way back to Heber. We brought her to baseball games the next day and he passed her around the dugout. He was obsessed with her.

Okay so back to my story. I was getting ready in my bathroom not long after Beck had passed. The dogs laying there in my sight. I heard an exterior door slam shut and heard a voice yell “Hey mom!”. I checked the cameras. Saw nothing. I called my ex, he was still at the office. Right before the door had slammed both dogs got up and were standing by my bedroom door looking out into the hall. I was staring at them and then we heard “hey mom” and they went running downstairs. I followed. No one. Nothing. It couldn’t be. I collapsed crying. It was Beckem’s voice. It wasn’t just me, those dogs heard him too. It was loud. It was distinct. It was him. I heard my dead son tell me “hey”. I wanted to hear his voice more. I begged the universe to let him talk to me. And he did. He has. And hopefully, he always will. You don’t have to believe it. But I do and that’s all that matters. Both of the mediums I have seen, have said the same thing…. you have a gift and you don’t need me to talk to your loved ones on the other side for you. Cold chills.

Yet, I still keep seeing mediums. I’ve definitely got some imposter syndrome and question myself. I’m working on that. The messages I’ve received have been emotional and beautiful and funny and tender. He comes through every time. He’s such a bright light. I’ll never truly be able to make sense of losing my 13 year old. It will never feel fair. The best I get is some comfort knowing he’s always around. Knowing that he loves that I have his jersey’s hung on my office walls. His artwork, a trophy, all in my view as I work my buns off for my little family. He’s a part of it all. Not a day passes that we don’t talk about him. We wear reminders in the forms of necklaces, tshirts, jerseys. Anything to feel closer with him.

The other day I checked on his headstone. Yep, right where it’s supposed to be. And then I laid on the grass and just cried. Sometimes the grief feels extra heavy. More waves in October I suppose. There is something about it actually being fall, harvest holiday is this week. It was harvest weekend when he passed. Not something I’m looking forward too. It seems like every year we get to his death date, different details feel highlighted. This year, Halloween is the last thing I want to do, and this Thursday will feel particularly heavy. Creeping up to the 22nd.

I bought him something for the cemetery, I really hope it gets here before the 22nd.

One year when Beckem was in the spelling bee he got the word “cemetery”. I initially spelled it wrong above. It really should be “cemetary” but whatevs. You know that kid spelled it correctly though.